Knowledge dump: ‘How to Poo on a Date’ reviewed

In a world dictated by how-tos, what to dos and what not to dos when on a first date or in a relationship, I thought it was about time we moved away from the same old dating advice handed out month after month by the love gurus over at Cleo and Cosmopolitan, and discussed something that gets brushed under the carpet a little too often.

It’s the taboo topic of dating —of social etiquette actually— but everyone has experienced those mortifying moments of panic, wondering ‘where do I go? Where’s the toilet brush if I leave skid marks? What if the toilet doesn’t flush? OMG there’s no toilet paper! ’
There’s definitely five minutes of precious tongue hockey time that can be gained with this book.

Yes, that’s right, ‘How to Poo on a Date’ is the book that everyone has been searching for but never found. It’s the most obvious answer to all our pooing on a date problems, no matter where in the world or what you are doing. Mats and Enzo have perfectly crafted us a guide that will make everyone seem like the non-pooing-superpeople we all so badly want to be around our new found loves.

Firmly ripping apart what we would think are acceptable techniques to use, like «Excuse me while I powder my nose», the book provides a list of 9 golden rules to help us salvage our pooing dignity, and relationship.
SECRECY: Never say precisely what you are doing to do!
INTIMACY: Always go alone
INVISIBILITY: Make sure nobody sees you enter or come out
SILENCE: Don’t give any indication as to what has just occurred upon return
IDENTITY: Come back in the exact same configuration you left in
SECURITY: Do not give away the purpose of your mission
SPEED: 5 minutes MAX
COMPOSURE: Never show signs of pain before the act
MODESTY: Don’t come back with a smile on your face.

Although they may come across as extremely obvious rules, the examples that come further throughout the book indicate that no matter how far into your relationship you are, discussing the matter of ‘doing a dump’ will never make a big splash with either person.
Divided into three parts; Romantic walks/dates, at her house, and at your house, every possible situation you could think of comes with a description, a difficulty rating, and a step-by-step solution of how to rid yourself of your unwanted business, safely, quietly, and successfully.

Some of the situations and solutions seem a little far-fetched (these include: in a gondola, on a pedalo, and in a sauna) but there are those few moments described throughout the book that everyone is familiar with (like when you’re at a cocktail party, the first time at their place or at the cinema together) where figuring out how to escape unnoticed is crucial.

Two of my favourites would be «A Cult Series» and the «Extreme Sports.» Both solutions to the potential problems are ridiculous as ever, but one situation is probably a lot more commonly experienced than the other. So I guess you could say it’s somewhat helpful.
«A Cult Series» helps you through the ever-wonderful time when the toilet door won’t close. You can’t do the awkward forward lean with one hand holding you steady on the toilet and the other attempting to close the door because the toilets too far from the door (crap!). So what should you do? Well, wrap your head in toilet paper of course and become the ‘invisible man. ’ …. Yes, that will do just fine.

«Extreme Sports» on the other hand has possibly never been experienced or attempted before, but at least you’ll know what to do and what not to do should you ever come across the urge to poo whilst on a pedalo(o). I would take special note of point 7 which states that projecting your wanted business everywhere with the speedily spinning pedalo blades will no doubt have you, and your partner, drowning in your own crappy business.
With so much shitty dating advice out there, it’s about time some real, tried and tested and fundamentally relationship-saving techniques were shared with the general public. Yes it may seem unconventional, but let me just say you’ll get more use and success out of this book than following the ’15 best rules of foreplay’ that are issued monthly from some of those dodgy magazines.

But then again, if you’d like to pop a squat in the darkest corner of the cinema and use the movie ticket as toilet paper, than maybe you need to stick to learning how to sext your secret crush without looking like a slut. (Impossible).
NB: Do not take majority of this book literally. Please.

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